this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
