I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
