me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
