TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
