I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I think my moral compass just broke
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
