She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
