I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
