I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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