dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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