Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
