remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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