I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
