Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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