I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
