what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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