It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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