Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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