All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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