I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
