Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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