Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
