WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
