YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
