dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
