I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
