That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
