Me. At least after what I've been through.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
