Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
