Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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