Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
