For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
