Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
