I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
