are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.