I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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