So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
