Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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