I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
