somebody snuck up and got me drunk
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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