I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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