i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Come see our sink grown plant.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
