did you get engaged???
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
