I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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