I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
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