I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
