Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
