matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
