I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
