i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
