my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
