Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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