Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
