I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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