I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
