Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
