loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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